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4 Reasons Why Parents Sometimes Don’t Support Their Kid’s Dreams

October 29, 2006

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So I stumbled on to the blog of Ian Ybarra, who edited and marketed an awesome networking book I’ve read called Never Eat Alone by Keith Ferrazzi. I read his blog post called “Why Would Parents Do Anything Else?“:

“I get so angry when people tell me stuff like “It’s always been my dream to go to art school and paint, but my parents think it’s silly because I’ve already got a bachelor’s degree in engineering. So I really should get a master’s in engineering.”

Why do parents recommend to their own children such boring stuff they think is safe?

(emphasis added)

I really liked Ian’s gung ho attitude about doing what you love, but he seemed genuinely confused about why parents wouldn’t support their kids. So I sent him an email:

I’ve read some stuff in your blog. I like it. I got linked by the entry on 10 questions. I totally agree with most of your ideas about entrepreneurship and taking big risks. But it seems you are a litle confused by why parents wouldn’t just support their kids’ wild dreams. So, having ex-traditionally Chinese parents, and observing a lot of people at Stanford with parents like this, I’d like to offer some insights.1) Parents don’t get much of the reward, but absorb a lot of the risk.
Paul Graham has talked about this. What happens when you move to LA to make it big in Hollywood. Your parents don’t get to go to the parties, meet tons of new people, acting in small roles, etc. They do have to deal with the risk of a broke, run down, crying and worse, coked-out child coming home to mom and dad when things don’t work out. That risk is a lot lower when someone becomes a doctor or biomedical engineer

2) Losing Face
Failure isn’t just a problem of taking care of your child. Its also dealing with questions of “what is junior doing these days?” It’s embarassing to have to say “oh, he’s staying at home while he looks for a new job”. Sure, this is shallow, but it is a real factor.

3) Not Wanting to See Your Child Hurt
Kill the dream early, so they won’t get hurt later on when they don’t get it. Yes, a terrible strategy, but one that actually happens. Parents tell their kids not to run across the street because they can’t bear to see their child get hit by a car. In the same way, they encourage kids to take the safe way in a career, in life.

4) Financial Concerns
Many parents, especially of the Asian community, rely on their children as their retirement. This is not a good thing, but it happens. They would rather their child be in a stable, corporate, big company job with benefits and a nice salary then off trying to start their own business. Because business man can better care for them and help them with their living expenses and health care costs. Again, I don’t support this, but it does happen.

There are more reasons, but I am out of time right now. Hopefully this has given you a little better understanding of why some parents might encourage the safe, instead risky but more likely to see big success, route.

He has some great responses. Read it here.

2 Comments leave one →
  1. Mack permalink
    November 1, 2006 8:29 am

    I think your 4 points are probably true for many parents. What I find more interesting is that most college students are dissuaded from pursuing what they desire most in life for the same reasons. Isn’t that much more problematic? You always have the choice, whether blessed by your parents or not, to make the risky (or foolish decision). We just like to think that those who ensured we didn’t make the dangerous decision in the past still have authority over us so we don’t have to face the fact that we don’t “possess the constitution, the depth of faith, to go as far as is needed”.

  2. Dylan permalink
    November 7, 2006 10:45 pm

    You’re right, if a student is not motivated to pursue what they most desire, they will go nowhere. That is definitely most important. I was outlining what kind of challenges these students face even with proper motivation.

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